Field notes · 6 min · 2026-09-15
When is being authentic just an excuse?
Authenticity can be a hall pass for unskilled behavior. How to tell a true preference from a story that lets you skip practice, repair, or courage.
Direct answer
When it always points at what you will not learn, will not apologize for, or will not risk. Real authenticity includes your values and your impact. If "that is just me" keeps costing other people, it is branding. Skill can be authentic too.
The word authentic used to mean "not a forgery." Now it often means "please do not ask me to grow." That is a downgrade.
Excuse-flavored authenticity
- Chronic lateness framed as "I am a free spirit."
- Cruelty framed as "I just tell the truth."
- Avoiding asks framed as "I am not political."
- Refusing craft framed as "I do not want to be fake."
- Dumping unfiltered mood on people who did not opt into therapy with you.
How do I stay honest without becoming a project manager of my soul?
Pick one standard you will actually keep: on time, or kind in conflict, or clear in wants. Authenticity without a standard is weather. Weather is not a personality.
What if the authentic thing is that I am tired of being nice?
Then you are tired of a strategy, not of goodness. Nice was probably a way to stay unpunished. Replace it with specific, not with random spikes. "I cannot do Saturday" is authentic. A week of icy texts is a tantrum with better vocabulary.
A better test than "does this feel like me?"
- Would I respect this in someone I am not dating or employing?
- Does this reduce future cleanup?
- Can I still respect myself tomorrow morning?
- Is there a skill I am skipping because the excuse is cheaper?